Up The Steps, Down The Slide

‘Not a good day for me today. Started off by waking up fairly late, not a bad thing, so got myself up, breakfasted, and medicated. Got picked up by girlfriend and off we went, then into town for a bit of shopping for my mums birthday.

Ok that’s the setup, now onto what went wrong. There I am stood in Smiths checking out a magazine, put it down and then felt a real shot of anxiety, looked round for my girlfriend, found her and… just couldn’t settle, managed to get in and get what I wanted, but I had to stand outside the shop to wait for her. From that point on my mood was low, went back to the car and went off to get something to eat, managed to get too close to a car and broke the wing mirror. Went back, left a note with the car to apologise and a number to call. A combination of my girlfriends actions and my own annoyance at hitting another car I was annoyed verging on angry and drove accordingly.

From then on I hit a slump and it only got worse. Got my van, drove back… ah fuck it, it doesn’t matter. Whatever happened I’m still on a downer and I just don’t see the point. Am I suicidal? No, had the normal thoughts without intention but I just don’t give a flying fuck as it all seems pretty much pointless and I find myself wishing I could shut down till needed. Thinking is counter productive but there’s not a lot I can do but think, and considering my mood I don’t think that it’s going to stop.

Maybe I should just try to get some meds which’ll help me to sleep whenever I feel like this… or maybe just design a suspension chamber to keep me on ice till I’m needed. Perhaps this is the sort of thing a super hero would go through, the feeling of purpose from doing what they do when caped up with the frustration of pondering life without that. No it’s not me saying I think I’m a super hero, I’m just trying to communicate that gearing down from something I enjoy to just ticking over and only just managing to not stall.’

Next: The Ebb Of The Soul
Previous: And The Beat Goes On

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